Affirm and Confirm pt1

For much of my life I've heard "something is wrong with you", "what is wrong with you?" and very similar statements a LOT. Sure, to some it could seem like I grew up and internalized a simple joke that gets told to everyone. In most instances people are not saying it to be malicious. It may even be a moment they, I, we think is comical. That really doesn’t have any weight on the matter. Whether lighthearted or in critique, me being abnormal has been a regular affirmation. Can you imagine growing up and the world is always reminding you that you kind of don't fit in, whether in word or in deed, because of the things you say or do? It's similar to someone being told they're funny or beautiful their whole life. It becomes how they identify and they start to live up to/embody the description. Did I pursue or become weird(er) because I was called weird? Did I pursue or become crazy(er) because I was thought a little off? I don't know. Was peculiarity my destiny? I don't know. I do know that I've been picked on, laughed at, singled out, bullied, left out,  etc. because someone perceived something off.

So, I've been carrying the feeling that something was wrong with me for quite some time. It's not just people telling me though. It was sometimes just subtle behaviors and reactions they had.

I always hoped that when I became an adult I would look back and realize I was just being a typical moody teen. I never wanted to come across any form of confirmation of these feelings. One time in elementary or middle school, my mother suggested that maybe she needed to have me go talk to somebody. Somebody being a therapist or counselor. I always interpreted it as a threat. Going to see someone would only confirm something I had always been afraid to realize. It would mark me as crazy, broken, retarded. Justification for being disregarded, not valued, written off, not taken seriously...

Affirm and Confirm pt2

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