My First Panic Attack

Boys and girls club football. We were doing regular conditioning. It was a cold, dry, and dusty evening. A couple parents were smoking along the course of our after practice jog. My respiratory system had enough of the irritants in the air and for the first time my exercise induced asthma-allergy thing got active. Why they let people smoke on the football field is a mystery to me. Why people who smoke think they can just put that shit in the air as if other ppl want to partake is so fucking rude to me...  All that running, and cut grass, and autumn leaves, and cigarette smoke… my airpasseges inflamed. it was like breathing through a caprisun straw. I just couldn’t get enough air in one breath. I couldn't understand WTF was happening. I just knew that I was going to die. My heart started racing. I remember feeling like it would erupt inside my chest. This only increased my need for air and hyperventilation ensued. What was merely an allergic-asthmatic reaction became at 30 minutes of multiple panic attacks. Circles were made. Eyes were fixed. Knees were taken. Ambulances were called. Walking was hard. Sirens wailed. More panic.

All I wanted was clean air, space, and silence.

After that I was afraid of having another attack. What if it happened while I was asleep? Would I wake up or just die mid REM?

Anticipatory anxiety.

I hated running and am now hyperconscious of my heart rate.

The Talk

Internalizing "Achievement"