"TonyG., man, are you okay? I saw a little bit of your blog and wanted to check on you. It seems like a big suicide note. Do you need help or something?"
In Guilty Pleasures, a book by Laurell K. Hamilton that I've actually never read and have no idea what it's about, there's a line that sticks for me. "You can’t save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can’t save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help."
No. This is not a suicide note. No, this isn’t a warning or cry for help. It’s not for attention or pity. I'm just not the type.
I also give you this: I’ve learned from dealing with others that you can’t save anyone. You can’t hold yourself responsible for someone taking their own life. (Except this girl, she should be held accountable.) You can try your hardest to help but in the end, a person can only do so much. You have to draw a healthy boundary for yourself. Sometimes people struggling with their mental health need more than any one person can provide. This is particularly true for someone untrained and/or dealing with their own issues too.
I made a choice. To "run on and see what the end is going to be". The thought came to me in a desperate moment, the only way for things to get better is if they had the opportunity to. So I just pressed on with whatever might I could muster at whatever speed I could move forward. The only way the impossible could happen is if I pursued it.
And so, I’m still here. Sure, I could have been gone. I wanted to be. But I decided to stay. I chose to. I choose to